The Effect of Overthinking And the Many IF word ! Family chaos a Cross team Unusual

There are many days that I'm fully exhausted thinking of many "IF - words" my head somewhat like to burst feeling like a living dead I been in a chaotic family hard to understand coping with my own,I tried to be brave to be bold less complaint as no hint avail sometimes I have no choice but to sulk because my weakness been ignored and the only thing I can do is pouring tears and prayers, sometimes there are small things that almost lead me to a heed all behind that what "if " do I still be alive ,I know not me have this suffering all alone but nightmares come and go like a fast scenes and feel like the dark shadow capturing my past traumatic sweet bitter sour coated candy to death or it wasn't I pray it goes out in my head. In my youth I have many things that I don't feel to be loved all the trauma having a broken family and a bullied kid in a small village in my brain until now has not been erased even with intense prayer or am I lacking in dealing with others? I couldn't do it to change it, but only a little was erased during sleep, disappearing sometimes or sometimes coming back like a mirror reflecting glistering to void. I'm matured getting older each day but left of my brain just telling me your outward appearance wrinkles change like a drain apple juice no texture funny how this comes to my head or am I just being different , I never harm no one but also hard to convince my inner selft to stir off and be understood or I will lead my soul to replenish in spiritual side because I was too influence in a big city of many modern enigma I walk in my different life of great flexibility but I can't pour in my own Aura. sometimes I have a lot of fear because I'm thinking how if I'm alone, will I be able to do it or not or should I not think too much that it's not possible because everything has a way and I haven't been able to find these ways until now, I'm still studying like before when I was young but now there is a lot of difference or just in my mind because I think ahead. oh help me God I can't do all these things without you guide me through all this curse of mine as my sins drowning me to fire cleanse me melt me again with shield of your power your divine spirit , I pray I can overcome this stressful chaotic family i'm handling for 10 years I try to adjust the best as I can . The Effect of Overthinking And The Many If words are foolish to should not pretend that you are the only one who has this negative thinking because stress can lead to dead without getting help of our own decision and I choose to loose up with myself that is strong in all the challenges in life and ask for God's help. thanks to febe B for giving me a light of devotion to keep inlighten the burden inside my head I owe you a lot of grattidu and be grateful being part of my life in my journey.A family chaos a cross a challenging team unusual! This is a family picture this is the photo of the family that I built, I hope we work together even in hardships and comforts because I can't do it alone right now we are happy even with the life crisis we are going through, I am still by his side and still a team partner until now.

The photo below when my daughter was 12 years old now she is older and getting more mature but most of all I can't forget the loverbirds we have that is so sweet it helps me to calm and be happy to an-stress